I went to a women’s night out at my church last night.  They have been having them once a month for about a year, and this is the first one I made.  I also found out it’s the last one until fall.  That made me sad, but the night itself was great.  It was good to get back into fellowship again.  I realized that I’ve really allowed myself to get a bit isolated.  It’s not that I don’t go out, or that I don’t get together with some friends.  But I have found I’ve allowed myself to get isolated emotionally.  I might go out and I might get together with friends, but I haven’t gotten deep in their lives or allowed them to get deep in mine.  I guess there’s a lot of reasons why that has happened, but mainly, it’s just easier if I don’t put myself out there.  Then there’s no chance to get hurt or deal with the messy side of relationships.  Yea, I know, pretty lame excuse.

Even last night after making all these plans to go, I really didn’t want to go.  I wanted to curl up at home and read (which I had been doing most of the afternoon).  But a friend of mine was talking about how to use coupons and I promised her I would be there to hear her.  During a little one on one time with some of the ladies we were suppose to talk about our favorite verse in the bible.  I shared mine, Isaiah 58:11, and that I had been in such a drought before in my walk with the Lord and then He gave me that verse.  But as I was opening up with the ladies I realized I was talking more about my friendship drought than what I had gone through years ago.  And that’s when it hit me, I had allowed myself to get emotionally isolated.  And I realized how I was opening up to those ladies without even thinking about it.  It was a great feeling but a little scary too.

I use to have such close friends out in Illinois.  We would open up to each other all the time.  We would pray for each other, right then and there.  We would be there for each other during hard times.  We would serve together, we grew together, we hurt together, we had fun together.  I don’t really have that out here, I’ve never truly found it.  I have friends, lots of friends.  But I don’t have girlfriends that I can call and chat with.  I don’t have friends that will be there with me no matter what.  I don’t have the friends like I had back in Illinois.  And maybe that’s part of the problem, I’m expecting something I had years ago.  I don’t know.  All I know is I miss having close girlfriends to act silly, goofy, serious, with.  Who will remind me of the Lord when I’m down or mad or just having a bad day.  I miss that terribly.

So I am now trying to reach out more.  I emailed two friends last night about getting together soon, and I’m trying hard to make myself open and available to talk to others.  It’s not going to be an over night fix.  I know me, I know how easy it is to put on the face, show up at all the events and still be emotionally isolated.  I know how to act and talk to other women without truly letting them into my life, but looking like I am.  I know how to fake it and play the game.  I’m tired of playing the game.  I want to have true heart to heart friends.  I want to have friends that I know I can call and they will be there for me in the Lord.  I want to have friends that challenge me in my walk with the Lord, and I get to challenge them.  I don’t have those kinds of friends right now, but I do pray that the Lord brings them into my life.  And I pray I put the mask away, and open myself up to those friendships.  No matter how much of the real me they see.

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