This is going to be a long post, and truthfully I’m not even sure I’ll post it after I type it. But I’m excited about what the Lord has shown me for my life and I want to share it. I don’t share it thinking anyone else should think or do this too. This is what the Lord spoke to me for my life, but everyone’s lives are different. I don’t presume to know what the Lord is speaking in your life. 🙂
I have been dealing with a feeling of being lost and wandering in life for quite a few months. But then a couple of months ago, when our finances dropped out from underneath us, those feelings were all I dealt with. I didn’t feel like I was ‘doing’ much for the Lord. Yeah, I was a wife & mom, yeah we homeschool, yeah I like to do my crafts, but what was I contributing to the family? And I guess when I thought about contributing to the family, it was usually how was I contributing financially. I just felt this burden that all I do was cook, clean & crafts. How is that helping us at all? My children are teenagers, so it’s not like I have little ones to look after anymore. Truthfully, the house stays pretty clean. Its a small house, and we all clean up after ourselves, so there’s not a lot I have to do. Sarah does most of the baking and some cooking for home Ec, and even Paulie is learning to cook. I do still do quite a bit of cooking, but that’s not what I like to do. Cooking is really a chore for me at times.
So I do cooking and I do crafts. And even the crafts I was doing I felt like was a burden. I know so many ladies that do their crafts and sell them to pay for making more crafts. I don’t do that. The crafts I make are either for our home or gifts for others. The cost of the crafts do not get covered by selling crafts. Plus I couldn’t figure out how any of this was a ministry for the Lord.
Now I have to stress, and I mean stress, NONE of these thoughts or feelings are because my husband thinks I should be contributing more. He actually thinks the opposite. He has told me many times that I do more than enough, that I contribute more than I know. That he loves that I do crafts and that I give them as gifts or for our house. And he has stressed many times that even though the kids are teenagers, this is when they need me the most. He has tried to re-assure me many, many times that what I’m feeling and dealing with is wrong. That I’m fine with what I’m doing. Even when I started doing online writing and trying to make some money, he said none of it would go to the budget or our finances. He said it would be my money, so whether I made any or not, didn’t matter, because it wasn’t going toward our finances. He said to do it if I was having fun, but if not, just stop. I write all of this to stress that my husband has been an encouragement to me, though I was not always listening to him. 🙁
So last night we go to church, and I’m still dealing with feeling like I’m really not doing anything of worth. We had a guest worship team, and they were talking about adopting foreign children. It made me feel even worse. Like they were doing all this great stuff and I wasn’t. Then during my pastors teaching he said something, and it wasn’t even the main point of the teaching. He asked a question, ‘Has the Lord ever changed the direction of your life?’ That’s when the Lord started speaking to me. This is what I wrote down:
During Pastor’s teaching about Jacob wrestling with God I was sitting thinking over & over about what I “do” (i.e. housekeeping, family, hobbies etc…) has nothing to do with the Lord and I’m not ‘doing’ anything for Him. I’ve got no ‘ministry’, nothing that’s bringing anyone to His love, I’m not helping out financially, all those thoughts. Then Pastor started talking about how the Lord can change the course of our life to what He has for us. As he said that I felt the Lord laying on my heart the remembrance of how He changed the direction of my life over 15 years ago. I was a career woman and I was always ‘doing’ things for the Lord. Essentially I was doing then what I feel like I should be doing now. But the Lord changed my direction. He set me on this road, this road that entails homemaking, being a wife and mom, and even doing hobbies. Blessing others with things that I make or with ways I can help others with online things. He changed my direction all those years ago and I’m trying to change it back. Lord, help me to continue on the road You directed me on, help me to have Your joy on this road, and embrace all You have for me on this road. Then after the service ended we sang Amazing Grace. As I was singing it, the Lord reminded me that I use to always sing that song to the kids when they were sick. I ministered to them and I still do. Thank You Lord for the reminder and the encouragement.
It is such a huge burden off of me to be content with where I am at. I am so glad the Lord reminded me this is the road He put me on. Remembering that gives me a sense of peace. Even when things get rough, especially financially rough, I don’t need to run out and try and be that career woman again. I don’t need to figure out how to get make money so we have food or buy things. The Lord is in control, not me. He has blessed me and put me on this road, and right now I’m doing all the ‘doing’ I’m suppose to do. I do have a ministry and it’s to my family. And if that changes in the future, then it will be the Lord changing it, not me forcing some change to try and happen. For now I’m going to try and remember this whenever I feel discontent with where I am. Or feeling like I need to do some sort of work, even work from home, to bring in extra money. I’m going to re-read this post, and the letter that I wrote during church reminding me of how the Lord spoke to me. Reminding me of what the Lord showed me, that as much as I feel I need to step up to change things, He has me on the road He wants me on. I’m going to stay on this road unless He changes it. And I’m going to enjoy it, and be thankful I don’t have to work or be pulled away from my family. Lord help me remember my blessings.