Yet I doubt Him so very much. I don’t know why I doubt, why I don’t believe that He can bless me with something when I really want it. Actually, I take that back, I do know why I have a hard time believing He will bless me, I don’t feel like I deserve it. I feel like, “Why would He want to bless me when I’ve doubted Him, not trusted Him, tried to manipulate a situation, I complain, I whine, I stomp my feet (figuratively, though at times really 🙂 ), and I create tons of headaches for Him. So why would He want to bless me? He probably wants to teach me a ‘lesson’ first. Withhold something I really truly want until I realize what I’m doing wrong. Yes, I know in my head that is not the way the Lord is. I read His word and see that He is a loving and caring God. I know He not only gives us what we need, but He will bless us with our desires sometimes too. But in my heart I have a hard time trusting and believing He does enjoy giving me things even when they are not needed. I need to keep giving this to the Lord. I know He will help me learn and grow in this, and I’m thankful He never leaves me when I feel like this. And here is my story of how the Lord blessed me even though I truly didn’t think He could.
It all started a few weeks ago when I started dealing with my sicknesses, tiredness and low white blood count. I wanted a new workout to try. I know I need cardiovascular but I really wanted something that would help me firm up and I could actually see a difference with my workouts. My friend Mary had started T-Tapp (and I know other blog friends who have used it) and she really likes it. I started looking into more for myself and decided I really wanted to try it. But the cheapest DVD was $35. I had some money left, but not $35, and truthfully I didn’t know if I wanted to spend the last little bit of my birthday money on something I didn’t even know if I would like. I studied about it, prayed, pouted, stomped my feet, whined to the Lord about how much I wanted it. And I knew in my heart there was no way I could get it without spending money I didn’t have. I just couldn’t see the Lord doing anything else. But through my throwing a temper tantrum like a child, there were times I truly gave it to the Lord. There were times I could have manipulated certain situations to try and get it, but I didn’t. I gave it too the Lord, still thinking there was no way for me to ever get it.
Then last night I’m at mom’s night out and right before we are leaving I get this feeling I should ask the ladies if they have ever heard of T-Tapp. It was a small group and I’m thinking, no one around here would have heard it. But I truly felt to bring it up so I did and one of the ladies had heard about it! I asked, “Do you have a DVD I could borrow to see if I like it?” She said, “No, but why don’t you ask Tanya (a mutual friend of ours), she has tons of workout videos.” I was like, DUH!, of course. She is a very healthy person, always taking care of herself, and works out a lot. Of course she has 7 children, so she’s very busy and I knew I probably wouldn’t get a hold of her for a few days, but I had hope.
I left the restaurant to go pick up Sarah from the Christmas play practice at our church and who was there? Tanya! I asked her and she said yes, she had quick a few of them I could borrow. Plus she’s thinking of selling a couple of them really cheap! Look what I came home with today to try.
I am so blessed. I get to try it, see if I like it. See if it’s something I want to spend my money on, and possibly buy one from her cheap. If not, it will give me time to save for it and see if I really like it. I don’t know why I didn’t think the Lord could bless me like this. I am humbled to know that He did, even though I was acting like a spoiled brat.
But the Lord wasn’t done blessing me. I have been dealing with a lot of sickness and tiredness, sometimes exhaustion. My white blood count is low (everything else is ok) but with it low, I seem to catch any little virus going around. One day I feel fine, one day all I can do is lay around and rest. When I went to pick up the DVD’s today I was talking with my friend about how I am feeling, and letting her know how much I’m not liking it. She is a Shaklee representative. I’ve heard good things about the company but definitely don’t have the money for any of their products. As we are talking she says here, take this, and hands me a bottle. She said this should help raise your white blood count so you can stop catching every little virus around and hopefully I can start getting more energy. And she wouldn’t take any money for it.
I already took some today, and will take some for the next 2 days. Then hopefully my body will start healing itself and I can slowly start getting my energy back. I’ve decided no cardiovascular exercise for another week or so, which is very hard for me. I was just getting into a routine of it, but it seems like whenever I exert myself like that I am exhausted the rest of the day. As my husband (and my Aunt 😉 ) always say, I just don’t give my body time enough to rest. So I’m going to work, very slowly, with the firming exercises on the DVD’s I borrowed. I probably won’t even do the whole workout for a while, just practice the moves and get use to it. Between that, resting, the pills and of course, most important, prayer, I know by the time I go back to the doctor on the 31st, my white blood count will be back up. And most importantly I will have more energy.
So the Lord blessed me in another way that I wasn’t even looking for. I am so thankful for all He has done for me today, and I just can’t say it enough. He loves me even though I am not worth it. I can do nothing to be worth it, that’s why He sent His Son to die for me on the cross. And if He gives me nothing else the rest of my life He’s given me enough. But yet He still chooses to bless me like He did today. Lord I love you.